Review: The hobbit, the desolation of smaug.

Apologies for how long this took. But there was a lot of stuff I wanted to mention, and I couldn't put it all in here because that would basically be writing a small book. So I had to pick stuff. I should mention that I can name dozens of other things wrong with this movie in addition to what I have here. Just so you know.

WARNING: Sarcasm may exceed expectations. Ranting at maximum. High levels of anger. Hot tea or comforting food suggested. Laughing to be expected.

Officially to be titled:
A Rant
The Elf-Dwarf-Love-Not-Triangle:
The Benedict Cumberbatchness of Smaug

And now, let the Review/Rant begin.


Great, so let us see where we were at the end of the last movie. 
If I remember correctly, our heroes were being carried by large, orange-and-blue eagles over mountains, having left Azog D behind in a burning forest. 
This movie picks up with Thorin and Co. in a completely random location that has no reference to anything, and somehow Azog managed to track them over these mountains:

Just out of curiosity, what mountains are those?? After the Misty Mountains, which they just went UNDER, there are NO MORE MOUNTAINS for them to cross. So for some reason, the eagles decided to take them BACK over the misty mountains to admire the view, and then BACK AGAIN to Carrock. Making tracking by fried orcs impossible.

I am getting carried away. The movie doesn't begin roughly where we left off at all. It begins a long long time ago in BREE. So lets work our way up from there.

Number one, apparently it is ALWAYS raining in Bree. No matter when we look at it, its still raining. 
And look, Peter was SO creative! For his cameo, he did the exact same cameo that was in the Fellowship. Isn't that original?? 
He must be the Village-Carrot-Eater of bree, who looks the same sixty years earlier than his last appearance. 

Moving on we come to a random interlude in which Gandalf talks to Thorin, and tells him to reclaim his homeland. OK, wasn't Thorin already doing that? And what was he doing in Bree? And the two random strangers which may have either been trying to kill him, or just get another pint of beer (it comes in pints?!) are never seen or heard from again. Bye bye strangers!
Moving on. We meet, BILBO as lookout man. He then returns to report that they are being followed, and is not received by surprise in any way. Which means that they already knew. So why did he bother to tell them like it was some big news? 

Ooh, this bit of dialogue made me laugh. Paraphrasing.
Gandalf: There is a house where we could take shelter.
Thorin: Friend or foe?
I just love that question. One would hope for Gandalf to reply: Foe actually. I just figured that this enemy of ours who was trying to kill us would board us for the night. 
Sorry about that.
As the Lady Awdur pointed out. Beorn has a STRONG resemblance to the Star Wars wookie.
In the book, Beorn is a great man with BLACK (not light brown) hair and he lives a large, beautiful house. Not a barn. He is grumpy, but generally kindly. He can laugh (who knew) and he enjoys a good joke, he can also turn into an unpredictable bear, which still has complete control over itself.
In the movie he never laughs, doesn't seem to understand the concept of a smile, has no control over his own barn, has brown hair, hates dwarves, and as a bear is completely useless. Tada! Talk about negative interpretation. 
Also, did anyone else notice he has this weird indian accent? Maybe its just me.


Well, actually his second in command "Bolg" is about two inches taller than him it would seem. Everything just keeps getting so huge, you can't even pretend to find it realistic any more. 

Another movie gone by with Bilbo STILL not telling Gandalf about the wonders how Gandalf (having no knowledge of it) is supposed to mention the Ring at the white council. Learn of it, grow suspicious, and help Frodo later....or maybe Frodo just dies and everything is taken by Sauron, all because Peter Jackson couldn't stick to the book even once. 
For want of a nail, the kingdom was lost.

MIRKWOOD, Resort Edition:

Mirkwood. Was. Horrible. 
No Enchanted River for one thing. 
They could have done SO MUCH MORE.
Also, we learn from Bilbo, that when happily perched in a tree where you can both see and breath, and you realize that there are creatures coming...always climb down from the tree, so that you can slip and almost die, if not saved at the last moment by an elf. 
And why would you EVER take the ring off? Why would you NOT sing Attercop? Why would you do NOTHING to help your friends? How on earth did you wake up and get to your sword in the space of one second, in that web? Why were you asleep? Did they sting you? No, because no one else appeared to be woozy or anything, so I guess that you just needed a nap.
OK, seriously, has no one ever seen a real spider web in a dank, dark, sick forest???
They look like this:                                                 

And the movie ones look like this: 

They are so..WHITE. I mean, how is that even possible? They are blindingly white. Its amazing.

OH! This is fun. Drops golden ring on Autumn foliage (looks like paper, by the way) and then finds it again almost at once, in a gloomy forest, while battling off spiders. He really does have amazing eyes.

Excuse me while I silently curse Tauriel using words that I will not type. 
And I am back. 

Look, a picture of Legolas. Could it be...Yes, yes I think it is. Somebody is wearing Eyeliner-Extreme. 
And where oh where are those blue eyes that we know and love? You know what I am talking about. These guys. You remember, the blinding blue beacons that you couldn't get away from. Looks like SOMEBODY forgot in a couple of shots in the hobbit. But it doesn't matter, because, lets face it, we were all watching his blades. Or if you weren't watching his blades, you were mesmerized by 'the hair' which is ALWAYS perfect, and wondering how he go that unearthly perfection along the hairline.


Tauriel is horrible. She was not in the book. Should never have been in the movie. Why is she there? Practical plot reasons? Nope. She is there, because Peter Jackson promised the actress he would find her a part, since he liked her. And he found her a part, or I should say, he MADE her a part that didn't exist. While I am here, I would just like to mention that Viggo Mortensen was going to be in the third movie, but my hero turned down the role, because he wasn't in the book. A round of applause for him. 
Back to Tauriel. 
So, she falls in love with a dwarf.....AWKWARD. 
And the dwarf, he loves her back. Amazing.
And the elf, he likes the other elf. 
How typical. 
How cliche.
How obnoxious.
This movie could have been a horrible adaption of a book, but a decent movie, without Tauriel. But Tauriel ruined everything. She destroyed its last chance of survival. 
Did I mention that the "cave" looks just like Lorien? Only more boring.
And Tauriel looks like a CGI character in that picture. Ugh.
I should also mention that


So, in the movie, Thranduil was an evil, conniving, horrible, creepy, nasty person. 
In the book, he was a merry king. Not cruel, but just not fond of dwarves. He was just and good. And ruled well, if a little loosely. 
Also in the movie, he says that the most prized jewels of his people, are the white jewels. Pure and starlight-y blah blah blah.
Allow me to quote the book (there are no connections between the book and the movie, so I am sure if I am allowed to quote the book during a review of the movie). 
"To the Elvenking he gave the emeralds of Girion, such jewels as he most loved, which Dain had restored to him."
The Hobbit, JRR Tolkien
Emeralds are green. Not white. Maybe Jackson is color blind?
Have you ever seen someone look SO air-brushed??

ELVES DO NOT SNORE, thank you very much.
And why did Bilbo ever take the ring off while he was helping the dwarves escape? The book just made so much more sense.
I love it when Tauriel walks in and says with this dead serious face "where is the keeper of the keys"
It cracks me up. How did she keep a straight face? Its such a stupid, cheesy phrase. Hello, are you the "keeper of the keys?"

How are those barrels NOT getting waterlogged? 

Get em while they're hot! Fresh from the river. Bombur in a barrel. Two for the price of one. Get your "Bombur in a barrel" here and only here!! That was just SO stupid. Spinning around in a barrel??


Did no one else notice this?

Bard looks just like Will Turner who is played by Orlando Bloom.
Will turner on the left, and Bard on the right. To be honest its difficult to tell the difference unless you look closely. Hilarious considering that Orlando Bloom is in the Hobbit.

More pictures proving my point:

They destroyed a perfectly good character for no reason. I guess Book Bard wasn't COOL enough.

I have to admit, the master of lake town was fairly good, even if he was played by Stephan Fry. Everything in that movie was gross and nasty and horrible, and the Master, in the book is all those things, so he at least was fine.
Lake town was a good set, but very very very very obviously, a set.
But their whole entrance into lake town and everything about their time there was wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong.
I have this strange feeling that my review of the first movie was better, because I was not nearly as consumed by hatred as I am with this one. I can barely form coherent words. Basically, 27 pages of exclamation points with the word "no" at the beginning of the first page, would pretty accurately describe my thoughts on the matter. But I shall do my best.

OK, so what comes next? 


Stephen Fry used to be so great! He played one of my favorite movie characters ever, and then became an unpleasant and vulgar person who always played large vulgar people. He also has an obsession with having a naked scene in his movies. What happened to my wonderful Jeeves!?!?!?!?!?
Tolkien mentioned that the Master of Laketown was a power craving coward, but he didn't say anything about him being evil and disgusting and vulgar and gross. Why must things like this be added in??
But I'm sorry, I keep on forgetting that THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH TOLKIEN!!!
I also don't recall that he was 'oppressing the people of laketown'. I recall that he didn't really pay any attention to them, and took more than his share of money. 
Sigh. Sigh.
sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh


Actually, I think it was the Last Light of Durin's Day.
"Then suddenly when their hope was lowest a red ray of the sun escaped like a finger through a rent in the cloud."
The Hobbit, Tolkien
Because it WAS the sun. Not the Moon. 
That is a rather small door, considering that the dwarf is a little of three feet tall, and the door is supposed to fit this description:

"A door five feet high and three broad was outlined..."
The Hobbit, Tolkien
So that dwarf in the picture, is about four and a half feet tall, and three feet wide. He needs to lose some weight methinks. And he is rather tall don't you think? For a dwarf?

And the room with all the gold? To get there you go STRAIGHT down the passage and pop, you are looking RIGHT at the dragon. No weird winding. And no crazily vast halls to go through. You just walk straight into the throne room. Otherwise Thror and Thrain would never have been able to escape in time. 
And why did they leave three of their group behind? Why is that helpful at all? So that Fili and Tauriel can have some time to bond probably. I do wonder what their children will look like. Either really short, and slender, or basically just large oafs.
More sighs. 


Amazingly talented dwarves. Renowned for making fantastic things of magic and great beauty, and their hoard is gold coins????? They don't make coins! Their currency is beautiful things that they make. The DON'T MAKE COINS. 
Or are we to suppose that these dwarves, with the giant mine full of riches beyond compare, sell their creations for gold coins? Um. No. They sell their creations for the things they cannot get for themselves. Which means, food mostly. Sure they may have some coins among all their other stuff? But THIS????? Not only is it not true to the book. It just plain doesn't make sense. 


I have to say that the dragon was good. And the voice was good. And the beginning of their interaction was good. (again, why did bilbo ever take the ring off?). But then it just got stupid. They decided that they had quoted Tolkien enough for one trilogy at that point, and lost all the good, witty conversation and riddles that took place between Bilbo and Smaug. 
AND they didn't show how Bilbo discovered that he had a bare spot on his belly. Instead they had a story that ages ago a scale had been dislodged. Except, dragons don't have scales on their stomachs, so they could have just shot him there anyway and not had to worry about it. Because he definitely made no mention of the fact that he has diamonds and jewels for armor on his belly.

So there we leave things. In the next movie, Bard is going to have to get to his kid somehow, and find out where the arrow was hidden. Get it, and get up to this tall tower, which any dragon would destroy instantly, because its the tallest thing in the town and would get his attention. 

After thinking about this movie, and watching it again for reviewing purposes, I feel rather like vomiting. So I think I shall delve into the Lord of the Rings to make myself feel better. 



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  1. My thoughts exactly, nice to know that i am not the only person not in love with tauriel and thranduil because of fighting skills and hairstyles. And Tauriel fighting (though the movies hve notbing to do with tolkien), goes directly against Tolkien's statement that elven women did not fight in battles unless necessary. As it definetely is not in this case.

  2. Actually, apparently, elves do snore. At least, in The Hobbit. By which I mean the book. Page 230 of my copy of The Annotated Hobbit states that the Elvenking's butler "fell asleep and snored beside his friend."

    Otherwise, pretty good review.

    1. Ah! I had forgotten about that. Thanks for pointing it out.